“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor”

Matthew 7:1-5

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 “I can never understand why a girl could date her sister’s dude”, Gloria said while drinking her tea. ” It’s so wrong, it tells what kind of despicable person you are”

I sat there lost in deep thought. Not that I would condone such actions, but from another view, I can understand how your emotions can get the better part of you, especially as a teenager. Gloria kept talking, oh how irritated she was.

     “Never say never,” I interrupted her after a while. “Somethings just sneak up on you”

She looked at me with such unbelief, eyes questioning my morals and silently judging me.

     “Why would you say that?” she seemed so shocked and frankly insulted. “I’m surprised you of all people would think that it’s appropriate.”

     “No, I don’t approve  of Alice dating her sister’s boyfriend.” I laughed at her reaction. “ At least not without her sister’s consent, but life happens” I shrugged at brought my focus back to my cooling tea.

     “Life happens?” Gloria was getting furious. “Life happens…What does that even mean?”

I took a long sip, placed my cup back on the table and faced Gloria squarely.

       “Ok, I need you to clear your head for me. Forget all you have learned the past 20 years of your life and put yourself in Alice’s shoes” I cleared my throat and waited till I had Gloria’s undivided attention before starting.    “Remember being 16, how young and naïve you were, how emotionally vulnerable yet full of life. I imagine you had a journal or a vision board of how your first relationship would be. I need you to go back to that state of mind.”  Gloria began to retaliate

       “Are you going to Psychoanalyze me now?”

.      “Just humor me.”

 She dropped her tea and gave me her attention with a slight wave of a wrist.

      “Imagine your elder sister brings a boy home for the first, imagine her being so excited as she introduces him as her boyfriend, dragging him too close for comfort. As pastors kids, you nor your sister were allowed to date, at least not until you are in your late 20s. But your sister chooses to defy your father, and because she’s not just your sister but your best friend, you decide to keep her secrete. But what does this mean to you? Could you also have a boyfriend? You don’t even know how to talk to boys. As you are trying to make sense of things, you realize how happy your sister is, how happy the boy makes her. You are happy for her, you truly are! But as you watch how they tell inside jokes and snuggle themselves, you can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy. You try to suppress it, but then you begin to relive how your sister has always gotten better treatment. She is your parent’s favorite daughter, everyone likes her at first sight, and she’s far more beautiful and physically developed than you are. But still, she’s your sister, you love her and can never hurt her. So you choose to be happy for her. You choose to suppress your jealousy.”

     “Imagine months later your sister goes back to school, Joshua…imagine his name is Joshua… he comes to visit but he misses her by a couple of hours. He feels really sad… genuinely sad so he turns to you for sympathy. With a good heart like yours, you comfort him, reminding him of all the good times he had with your sister and how she is just a phone call away. You both talk for what feels like five minutes but five hours. You convince yourself that you both miss your sister so it doesn’t bother you as much as it should. Noticing how late it is, he decides to leave. But not without showing his gratitude by telling you how much he enjoys your company. He is glad you are his friend and he would visit from time to time. His words excite you, the tingling feeling is back, but this time it feels different….warm and nice. But you don’t know what it means, or you act like you don’t, a problem for another day…”

     “Imagine Josh…you call him Josh now because you’re good friends… he keeps his word. For weeks he keeps visiting you, you enjoy his company as he yours. At first, he just comes to check on you, to see if you’re ok, he even helps with your homework sometimes. But then he gradually stops asking after your sister or verifying if you’ve spoken to her lately. Then you start to confide in him on personal issues, he advises you, fuels your self-esteem and makes you feel so good and special. He doesn’t just become your friend, but your best and only friend, a boy-best friend. You decide to add a label so he doesn’t take your sister’s place. That little tingle you keep suppressing begins to burst out of its cage. Whenever you see him, your heart races, sweat drenches your palm and his slightest touch liquifies your knee. He can talk for hours about anything and everything, but you wouldn’t hear a word because your daydreams take to a world of perfect romance and fantasy….Realizing how far you’re going you start to chant to make yourself feel better, “He’s  just a good friend, but my sister’s boyfriend, I love my sister and I want her to be happy.”

     “Imagine you get a call from your sister after a long time. She sounds depressed and unhappy. She complains about Josh, how he has been so distant lately. He neither calls her nor picks her calls and when he does, he claims to be busy or sick. She’s getting scared because she loves him but he’s beginning to lose interest. She asks you if you know why. Of course you do, but how can you tell your sister you and Josh have gotten so close? How do you explain, all the while he has been ‘busy’, he has been busy with you? You are Josh aren’t dating but you can’t help but feel guilty. So you lie. You tell her, you haven’t seen him in a while but promise to talk to him and find out what’s wrong. You console her, tell her to be strong and that it just a phase, Josh will come back to her. You lie because “He’s just a friend but my sister’s boyfriend, I love my sister and I want her to be happy.”

     “Imagine you go visiting Josh for the first time. You choose to visit because you need to end whatever is going on between you and him. You do have feelings for him, you can’t deny it anymore…but you can’t stand to see your sister so depressed. He is so surprised, yet ecstatic to see you. You quickly cut him off before you get sidetracked. You ask him why he’s treating your sister badly, why he chose to put you in a difficult spot. He is quick to apologize, he doesn’t mean to hurt anyone but it’s not his fault, his mind as been preoccupied. You don’t care, you just came to tell him never to contact you again and you never want to see him. But as you turn to leave, he grabs you by the wrist and spins you into his arms. You try to pull away but you’re weakened. No one has ever held you like that before, so firm, yet gentle. It feels good…it feels really good. But as he tightens his arms, he pleads for you not to leave. He explains how you have become a very important part of his life, how he cannot function without you. He doesn’t fail to add how much you change him, provoke him to be a better man. You want to look away but you see what looks like sincerity in his eyes. While he has you feeling important and needed, he paralyzes you by staring deep into your eyes. Oh, how you could drown in those big brown beautiful eyes. In the heat of the moment, you realized how good looking Josh is. His broad shoulders shadow your 5’7, making you feel protected. While you’re still in a trance he plants a hot one on your lips, causing that little tingle to explode, sending electric sparks all through your nerves. But you still “love your sister, and you want her to be happy”.

     “Imagine the guilt growing on your back as the days pass, just like your feelings for Josh. At this point, you are convinced that Josh is yours. He couldn’t make your sister happy the way he makes you happy. The aim of meeting your sister was to indirectly meet you, some kind of grand design or divine purpose. But every waking morning reminds you how much of betrayer you are. But are you truly a betrayer? If you were ordained to meet your true love through your sister, it should all fall into place, right?. Your sister would not be mad at you, because she loves you as you love her…because she will also want you to be happy. Yes, she will be happy for you…but what if she isn’t? What if she gets mad? Even as these thoughts go through your head, the hard lump in your throat grows ever thicker. Your eyes darken and sag, resulting from endless worry and sleeplessness. But you still love…”

     “Imagine. You get a call days later, your sister. You’ve been trying to avoid her, avoid telling more lies. But you can’t run from her forever. So you pick up the phone reluctantly, hoping and praying she doesn’t hear past your lies. But you are quickly alarmed by her heavy sobs. You take your time to calm her down before finding out what’s wrong. Josh broke up with her. You feel bad, you feel really bad for her…but then your heart is full of joy, Josh chose you over your sister…You! Finally, someone sees you for you, not the shadow of your sister or an endearing attachment, not the immature younger sister or “the cute” one. You get so excited. Josh loves you, you love him, and that’s all that matters.”

     “Imagine, a day like every other. You go visiting Josh. This has to be your fifth or sixth visit, each visit grows more thrilling than the next. You spend the chill day in his arms watching ‘Man with a plan’. You were in your happy place… that is until a figure shadowed the TV. Shocked, but before you could make move, the red eyes of your sister froze you in place….”

     “What would you do?”

Author; Peace Okei